I did not talk to God this morning. It’s an interesting sensation to not want to talk to the Creator, to avoid Him on purpose. Part of me wonders what is going to happen to me. I waiting for the bolt of lighting to come and zap me out of existence. Some of me expects to loose my vision again, only this time the diagnosis won’t be benign. But the truth is that God is okay with me giving him the cold shoulder.

Yes, He is always okay because He is God. But He is also okay with my avoidance because God understands why. He understood before me. Now, I know myself better from our separation and learned more about the person of God then I thought possible.

Prayer is a powerful tool, not because we can wield prayer, but because we humble ourselves by asking the One in control to action. I’ve seen so much in my twenty-seven years as a Christian, and prayer has been the pulse behind those miracles. Yet so much of our souls and selves are behind the scenes living with the general rise and shine of each day.

Growing up a child in crisis makes the adult day-to-day difficult. Routine is the last thing a present tense mindset is likely to do, but I tried. I would begin to pray each morning, working through each step of a ‘good’ prayer, to connect more deeply with God. I tried to open up, sharing with God that I love him and what was on my heart and mind.

In reality, I wasn’t really sharing anything with Him. I was, each morning, prostrating myself before Him and hating myself in front of Him to prove that I needed Him. Prayer wasn’t a chance for me to share who I was, but an opportunity to beg Him to make me Himself so that I wouldn’t have to.

My problem with prayer is that I used it as a tool to chisel my soul down, rather then to build myself stronger by connecting to God. In stepping back these past few weeks, in learning that God will be there every time I need Him, I have gain a better understanding of His unconditional patience and timeless perception. Good sees all of me at once, who I was, who I am, and who I will be in the future, even in eternity. This leaves me free to be who I am at this moment rather then who I think I should be at this moment.

Now, I can stand before my Creator, not with pride, but self-esteem. I know that He is there, and that He is not ashamed of me, so I should not be ashamed. This self-affirmation has shaken me to the core. It will be a daily struggle, but my confessions during prayer will be practical and not self-damning. When I talk to God tomorrow, I can go to His presence in peace rather then penance.

Mica 6:8 He has shown thee, O man, what is good: and what does the Lord requires of thee but to do justly and do love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?

Well, I’ve finally outsmarted the cat.  It has only taken over a year with this particular kitten and a life of living with cats in general.  I’m guessing it was the general surprise on both our parts that finally bested the little beast. ;)

It started with a typical Saturday morning.  Got up around 930am, petting the cat on head.  (She sleeps in the bathroom sink I pass on my way to the kitchen.)  I then scoop ground beans of survival into basket, then put coffee pot on, make cereal that I’m trying to convince myself is human rather then hamster food.  At this point, a small brown/orange/black furry thing paces around my feet.  I head into the dining room (aka: four feet away) turn the laptop and check email.  Very normal morning repeated by millions of fellow representatives of my species.   

The same small furry creature, sits on my lap, as I open itunes.  A familiar churning-gurgling sound from the kitchen signifies that my morning elixir is almost ready.  I select my current favorite playlist, and go to make the coffee.  Ironically, a song by Robbie Seay Band starts playing.  He sang about, new mornings, coffee, and hope, things we Americans all need.  As little Mocha trailed in behind me, I make my cup ‘O Joe, and listen to the words.

 “I’m gonna sing this song to let you know your not alone. 

and if you're like me, you need hope, a coffee, and melody.

So sit back down and let the world keep spinning round,

yesterday’s gone, and today is waiting on you to show your face. 

And it might not be the prettiest thing that you’ll ever see,

but it’s a new day.  Oh baby, it’s a new day. 

And it might not look like a beautiful sunrise, but it’s a new day….”

Personally, this song struck a cord on more ways then one.  Financially, tough times loom ahead for all of us, professionally I’m overwhelmed and the mountain of my life is about to get steeper, and medically I’ve been dealing with a lot of pain the last week, but have absolutely NO desire to go back to the neurologist and get an addition to my current non-degenerative diagnosis.  Thankfully, I was reminded that each of these issues can only be faced in daily increments. 

My apartment is very cool, with a large sweeping main room with patio, with floor to ceiling glass doors that look out at nothing but woods. (Mocha’s big screen television) But, I love my kitchen for the primary reason that it is MY kitchen, it’s a plan square with old everything.  The cabinets are from three decades ago and the appliances are a little younger.  There is enough counter top space for me to sit down, so I jump up and sit down on the cabinet near the sink, and looked at my apartment from a different perspective.  I decide, that inspite of everything, I still breathe and can take life at my leisure, for a few hours anyhow. 

I sit, being reflective, drinking coffee, enjoying the music, breathing, and wondering how much time before the Motrin kicks in.  And below me on the kitchen floor is a very annoyed little Mocha.  She looks at me and starts to stretch her paws up to the counter.  She looks around for something to jump on to help herself up to my location.  It seems so bizarre that the human was out of reach of the cat that I laugh.  That does it for my little furry companion, and she starts to meow the long cries I only hear when we go to the vet.   Compelled, I jump down, she comes right up to me and signifies she needs picked up, I obliged, and immediately she begins to purrrrr.       

In conclusion, even with a new day, there are still things that just are hard to accept and we need comforted.  On that note, I’m having another cup of coffee.